Jokes And More...

Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....


Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."


Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there,
is also my son, that's confidential!"


Anger management?
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush..."

Two women in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm, sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act but instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere I started running all over the house looking. I ran up to the attic and searched and then down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally became so exhausted I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer! We'd both still be alive.

Tech Talk
-- Definition of an upgrade: old bugs out, new ones in.
-- C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
-- Why doesn't it ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
-- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
-- Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
-- E Pluribus Modem
-- >File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
-- Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny.
-- A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.
-- A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
-- Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
-- Windows: just another pane in the glass.
-- Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
-- All computers wait at the same speed.
-- Go ahead, make my data.
-- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
-- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
-- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
-- Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.




What do you call ghosts who scare talkshow hosts?

The Phantom of the Oprah.




Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

@dyn: i thought that was singers, not guitarists

does it matter?

changing a bulb this morning, i was thinking about how many bass players it would need...
- none. keyboarder does it with the left hand.
- one and a guitarist to show him how to change the bulb...

in my case, it worked with one, without problems *looool*

A man in Edinburgh telephones his son in London shortly before Christmas and says: "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

The son screams: "Dad! What on earth are you talking about?"

The father replies: "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer. We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this. Call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

Franticly the son calls his sister who explodes on the phone and shouts: "Like hell they're getting divorced! I'll take care of this!"

She calls Edinburgh immediately and screams at her father: "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing! DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife: "Well that’s sorted! They're both coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way!"